These days I either have time to write a blog post OR handle pictures. Today, I went through nearly 300 pics to give you these:

http://tiltedworld.com/brenda/pictures/December2008/index.html

Thane is getting old enough that I forget exactly how old he is. I believe he’s a day shy of his two month (8 week) birthday. I love him dearly. He’s doing a great job of sleeping at night — usually only waking up once or twice after I get him to bed. He’s packing on the weight — the only time of life when it’s great if you just pack on the pounds. His thighs are a delight in dimpled plumpness. His smiles are rare but exceptionally brilliant. He seems to be gaining control over his body and those weird appendages called “hands” and “feet”. He’s started looking more at things which are interesting. He LOVES tummy time — especially when he gets to have it on my lap. He has the most charming collection of coos and goos.

But that child wants to be held ALL THE TIME. It’s like he’s some sort of cute helpless infant who just wants his mommy’s arms. I mean, it’s not like anyone can hold him. Just mommy. I forgive him because he DOES go to sleep when I do. Also, it’s the most eminently reasonable thing in the world; for a child to want to be safe in the arms of his mother. But man is it wearying. I spend my days trying to figure out what I actually did with my time. In truth, it’s hard to do things when your child is in your arms almost all your waking hours. But at the same time, doesn’t Thane deserve to be held as much as he wants? He’s a baby. He’s been in the world a grand total of 8 weeks. You probably have Netflix videos older than that. The world gets hard soon enough.

It just makes it hard to: play with Grey, do the dishes, do the laundry (OMG the laundry), clean the house, wrap presents, exercise, stretch my back, cook, write blog posts, upload pictures, or generally do anything that isn’t watching “Avatar: the Last Airbender” (Note to world: we loves our new DVR we does) or read Anne McCaffrey novels.

Coincidentally, I have declared that every single Avatar character is my favorite so far. For reals I think it’s Toff. I wish they’d rebroadcast more of Season 1. I’ve missed almost all of it. And I’m nearly through with all the “Dragon” novels Anne McCaffrey has ever written, including most of the crappy ones. (“All the Weyrs of Pern” — I’m looking at you.)

Also, Thane has perfected the art of figuring out when my bedtime is. I keep TRYING to put him down at like 9 to see if I can shift his schedule a bit and have (GASP) an hour or two to myself or to spend with my husband. But Thane knows that bedtime is 10:30 (my bedtime) and no earlier.

Also, also, he cried more for anyone who is not me, even when he’s fed. It’s really, really hard to listen to your infant cry and not step in.

This time of life is short, I know. I’m far more aware of how finite babyhood is this time than I was last time. And frankly, 1 ain’t much easier than 1 month. (Ah, the dreaded mobility. Thane is already managing a scootch when put on his belly. I tremble.)

Lazy and weary is just an unsatisfying combination of emotions. Also, I find it very hard to be a good parent to both boys simultaneously. I feel like I’m always shorting one of them.

My mother once gave me a very valuable piece of advice: You don’t get through parenthood without guilt. Oh, is she right.

Thane and me

So according to “What to Expect: the First Year” a month old baby should definitely be able to socially smile at his parents. Thane has the most beguiling and charming smile you could hope for. He smiles just as he falls asleep, as though his dreams are full of funny jokes. It’s a lovely smile.

Although he is alert and attentive for a good bit of time these days, he has yet to turn that smile on me. So as a new parent, it is incumbent upon me to be CONVINCED at five weeks, due to lack of social smiling, that my son is autistic and to spend a good twenty minutes feeling weepy over the self-sacrifice and love that will be my future as the parent of an autistic son.

Ahem.

While no one knows what a child will be when he is grown, and it is possible that will in fact be my future, it is also possible that five weeks is a WEE bit early to diagnose it.

Also, the other web sites say that social smiling is expected by 6 – 8 weeks. Which would make it a lovely Christmas present. Then again, extra face time with Mr. Thane isn’t a bad thing. I carry him ALL THE TIME, but like his brother he likes to be carried facing out, so I don’t make faces at him as often as I might.

In other news…

Thane is 10 lbs 7 oz. Five weeks ago when he was born, he was 6 lbs 14 ounces. That’s not QUITE a pound a week, but, uh, it’s not bad. Fortunately not all his growth is being invested in second chins — he’s also 22 1/4 inches tall. So he’s 75th percentile for both weight and height.

Here are the doctor recorded heights and weights, since I got it wrong last time.

11/4/08 – one week
7 lbs 3 oz (25th percentile)
21 inches (75th percentile)

11/17/08 – just over 2 weeks
8 lbs 15 oz (50th percentile)
21 /14 inches (75th percentile)

Then again, maybe the lack of smiling is because he’s working SO HARD on growing!

He is physically doing very well. He can hold his head up as well as a baby twice his age, and will spend considerable time with his head steadily up looking at the world. He can also roll over. I’m not making this up. He did it twice in one day about two weeks ago, but I was willing to chalk that up to optimism on my part. But this afternoon he managed to roll over from definite tummy time to being absolutely on his back. This is even more impressive since there’s more and more of him to roll these days.

Sleep is still not fantastic. He’s waking up about every 2 hours during the night, although at least I have him trained to go back to sleep pretty well. Last night it was 11:30, 1:45, 4 am, 6:30 and 9 am. Grey woke up at 1:45 am (he came in while I was nursing Thane, woken by his crying) 2:30 and 5:45 am. I am: tired and abusing caffeine (again). Thane’s pediatrician says that he probably won’t sleep in longer stretches until he’s about 12 pounds. I suspect it will get much better once he stops trying to pack the weight on quite so urgently. Next week when my husband is in Nashville would be awfully convenient in that regard.

Thane at Thanksgiving

Spring is taking it’s sweet time this year. Part of me doesn’t mind at all. April is the time for spring to be spring. It shouldn’t try to be summer. Part of me is grateful for the grateful amnesia about winter creeping over me, even if it does dull my appreciation of the now. Part of me wants to wander outside in my shorts and tank tops and be warm with every window in the house open and pollen blowing through.

Pregnancy seems to be affecting my sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Part of it is looking pregnant, I think. Part of it is that my pregnancy wardrobe isn’t very good. I’ve gotten accustomed to feeling like I look good in whatever I’m wearing, and I don’t feel that way right now. Part of it is almost certainly hormonal. I’m feeling all unimportant and minor right now at work for no good reason. The accuracy of that feeling might be up for debate, but I doubt I’d feel this way six months ago.

I need to get serious about preparing to have a baby come. So far I have: bought nothing, rearranged nothing, prepared nothing. This is a little on purpose. There’s no need to jump the gun. Why set up a nursery 6 months before you might have a baby to put in it? Alpha is still two months from viability, even. I should save money now to buy outfits for when I need them — when I know what I need. (What if I give birth to a 9 pounder who’ll never fit in 0 – 3s?) But I need to start the process of realizing and accomodating for the new person who is going to join us in our home. This would be easier if I wasn’t tired/lazy.

I feel disheartened and small. I’m sure this is passing, but it seems increasingly frequent as my pregnancy progresses. It is not an accustomed sensation for me, and I don’t think any amount of external validation will make it go away. Although maybe a huge clothes shopping spree would.

We had the fetal scan yesterday. For those of you who have never been pregnant, that’s the only “scheduled” ultrasound in a pregnancy. (Most of us end up getting quite a few more, as evidenced by the fact this was my third ultrasound. I’m hoping it’s my last, because that will mean that my pregnancy is wildly uneventful!) They do things like check to make sure the baby has a skull and brain (no encephaly), see if there’s a cleft palate, check for numbers of limbs and fingers, evaluate chambers of the heart, etc. They evaulate the baby’s age based on size. This is when we would’ve found out the baby’s gender if we were going to.

Alpha was not particularly cooperative. It sort of looked like s/he was sitting on my spine. S/he also kept moving around, so every time the ultrasound tech would go to take a picture… whoop! Baby’s in another location! Apparently Alpha doesn’t approve of the paparazzi. There was one moment when she was showing us the head, and Alpha sort of waved us off with his hand and promptly dove down into a completely different position. It was awfully cute. If not helpful to the poor tech.

The tech can’t tell me if anything is wrong (that’s the doctor’s job) but it looked and sounded perfectly normal. She said that the heartbeat was perfect, and that according to her measurements, the due date is September 22. So we have a range of dates between 9/22 and about 9/27. Since a due date is nothing more than an estimate of the perversity of a child, I’m perfectly content with the range. I think I’ll continue to say the due date is 9/23 (my birthday) since that’s nice and easy to remember — and as true as anything else.

I’m now out of doctor’s hands for like nearly a month. I’m glad I have a normal pregnancy.

I don’t think much about my science education. Really, it’s pretty basic. Chemistry, biology, physics in a high school that did not excel at all in such things. If you’d asked me, I would’ve told you I hadn’t learned much. I got ok grades — right down there with my math grades. Our high school offered one honors class (and no AP) and that was in English. I took it twice. But I never really paid attention to science. In college, I took Chemistry 101 — no lab required. It was interesting (and Professor Cheng, in his Hawaian shirts, was hot!), and I learned some things. But come one. That’s about the minimum amount of science you can have taken and still have a degree from a reputable four year college.

So if asked, I wouldn’t tell you that I’m particularly knowledgeable about All Things Scientific.

But I think I’m missing something in understanding my own science background.

I’m currently reading a book that summarizes the sum of scientific endeavor since people started thinking. It maps the history of the universe, and talks about geology, chemistry, physics and the Big Ideas that revolutionized the 20th century. (The atomic bomb was only made possible, for example, once folks figured out that nuetrons existed.) I have enough science background that what the author is talking about is often familiar, and I can hook it on to something I know, or read behind it and remember the underlying logic. I understand the periodic table and valences. I understand plate tectonics and induction zones. I understand the role oxygen plays in matabolic function, and how cells are attacked by viruses. I know the difference between RNA, DNA and mitochondrial DNA. I understand how gravity works on a cosmic scale, and that it’s one of the weakest of the forces. I’ve contemplated whether the universe is expanding or contracting. I know how acid rain gets created, and that whether ozone is a nuisance or a necessity depends on where you are in the atmosphere. I know how a catalyst works. I understand the Scientific Method, the concept of a theory, and accept experimentation as a valid way of creating ideas of how the universe works, fully knowing that we will never understand it all. I understand statistics and risks, and can weigh proven risk factors against each other more or less rationally. I have mastered none of these things. My understanding is not complete. It has few gradations, and probably more than a few holes. But it’s enough that when presented with information that has a pre-requisite of understanding these things, I can follow the information. And to be honest, I’m not sure how I got here. And I’m beginning to wonder, to think, that maybe everyone has this.

To be frank, I’m not sure it ever occurred to me before. In some ways, I’m a success story of our education system. A liberal arts graduate with no more than average interest and decent intelligence who got sufficient science education to be capable of staying informed of scientific developments and what they mean. But did I get it through the education? Was it the years of subscription to Discover magazine (eventually cancelled because they got boring)? Was it the family background that made me curious in the way things work? Was it a trait of my mentality that makes it easy for me to retain concepts (I can still quote the Ontological argument for you if you wish?) Is it because I married a scientist, and he sends me links nearly every day discussing the scientist who is suspending metabolic function in mice and bringing them back unharmed from the brink of death hours later, or the latest innovation in nano-technology? Or is it because I have a good reading comprehension, and it all comes back to language?

How do you feel about your scientific education? Do you ignore what happens in the science pages, or is it part of your daily distraction reading? Do you find science interesting? Are there whole stories that just flit past you, incomprehensible? Where and how did you get the science background you got, and does it affect your daily life? Do you wish you understood it better?

My husband very rarely has nightmares. When he does, they’re usually right before he wakes up, and he wakes up screaming and is upset for the rest of his day.

On prior, very disturbing dream he had was a variant on the common college dream. He was taking this class he really, really liked. But one morning, he went to class and there was the final! And he’d totally forgotten to study for it! So for this class he loved, he sat there miserable, unable to answer a single question. This was when the D&D 3rd Edition book came out. The class he was taking was on D&D. The questions he was unable to answer were things like, “If you have a third level party of four players, and they are attacked by a party of 8 orcs, what is the challenge rating of… ” Heh heh. The funny thing is, he woke up SCREAMING and really, really upset. It was an honest-to-god nightmare. I managed to be sympathetic and soothing. For about 2 minutes. I still think that’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.

This morning he had another nightmare.

You see… (pausing to let the sense of doom and horror build) he had forgotten to pre-register for Gencon!!!! So there he was! Ready to play! Dice in hand! And he hadn’t registered for ANY GAMES! And honestly, he woke up screaming again and saying “how awful, how awful!!” I assumed he had a dream where I turned into a zombie and ate his brain or something but no. Failure to pre-register for Gencon events.

My husband is such a dear, delightful, wonderful geek.

One of my friends at church asked me if she could organize my baby shower. (This woman is fabulous at organizing.) Touched and flattered, I said yes. And I’m excited. I feel really overwhelmed by it all, though. So far she’s lined up a date, got a co-chair, er, host. Asked me for a list of friends I’d like invited, and asked where I’m registered.

Yipe!

So the registry… she has a good point. She says that if I register for one or two larger items, folks can contribute an amount they can afford (whether that’s $5 or $50) and not feel like their contribution is obvious. But I hate asking for things. We’re very fortunate, financially, and I *really* feel like people don’t owe us anything in the way of presents. (Of course, like all human beings, I also like presents.) Couple that with the fact I have no *clue* what I need or want for a baby (although this cute but impractical bassinet comes to mind) and my previously posted current issues with pregnancy, and I’m flummoxed.

And with the guest list thing. I live in a bunch of different worlds. They’re not intentionally distinct for the most part, but my RL friends don’t go to my church and my church friends aren’t generally on-line. And then there’s family. And work. I’m not sure if my RL friends would like to attend a shower from church, or if they’d like to have one seperately (and since I’m not supposed to be organizing any of this, I don’t want to ask either. That seems wrong.)

Er, so as my friends, what do you suggest? What should I register for and where? How can I effectively communicate that I want to share joy and time together, but don’t need things if you don’t feel the overwhelming urge to give them? If you think you are the sort of person who would like to attend a baby shower for me, would you rather attend a church-centric one or should I take a wild leap of faith and guess that my RL friends might also host me one and you’d rather attend that one?

I’ve never done this before. I don’t think I’ve been to more than one or two baby showers in my whole life. And to be honest, I’m a whole lot less comfortable with this baby thing than I was the wedding thing.

HELP!