bflynn

I love data

I usually think of myself as a liberal arts kinda girl — all about poetry and language and music and history. But back in high school, I took the ASVAB (the military’s aptitude test) in order to get out of class and (this is the real reason) because I always liked taking standardized tests. (I know! I’m sorry!). Anyway, the results of this test weren’t wildly surprising except one: I aced the code-breaking section. According to the military and my fuzzy 15 year old memory, I was unusually good at translating one list to another. It indicated that I might be a capable computer programmer. I scoffed.

And here I am, a computer programmer. Go figure. I guess what I’m saying is that my image of myself as a words only person is just that: an image. I actually do have this well of unappreciated ability in the less subjective. One of the places this shows up most is in data sets.

I just cannot resist real numbers. If it can be measured, it makes me happy. For example, as you may recall, I carefully measured and calculated my milk production while pumping at work, doing my best to note and avoid problems with my data set. Why? Um, because data is cool? And of course, halfway through you think of other data you should’ve collected (time spent pumping, quality of audio book being listened to, frigidity of server room and impact on milk production).

So for Christmas my brother bought me a Wii fit. It plays exactly into my weakness. Oh, the Wii throws off fantastic data! It has charts and graphs. How much of the time I spent in my workout was done using strength training exercises? How consistent have I been? How many calories did I burn doing X activity? What is my BMI, with a precision of 2. Love! Love love! Data! It gets even better for me, because I find data highly motivational. Give me a measurable objective and watch me make it and then exceed it by a little bit because, um, that’s just how I roll. So fantastic, right?

Well…. there’s just one problem. Let’s say I have half an hour to workout (aka: a miracle has occurred). Which activity is likely to produce the best fitness results: Wii fit, or a half hour fitness workout (I have a Bollywood dance workout DVR’d I’m dying to try)? Chances are the non-Wii workout will get my heart rate higher longer. But! But but! It won’t provide me with the delicious, delicious data I crave. I’ll have to go by estimates and feelings! Bah!

Exercise isn’t the only place where I face this conflict between the measurable and the likely more effective. This happens all the time in food. For example, which one of these is probably all-over better for you: the delicious turkey-burgers my husband made for dinner last night, or a frozen Healthy Choice dinner? Right. Homemade food from actual ingredients has numerous benefits over prepackaged “food” products – not the least of which is taste. Now, which one of these is easily quantified? That would be the prepackaged one, of course. On the other hand, this “from scratch” food may have nutritional surprises. I’m pretty sure that the turkey-burgers were pretty healthy, but what about the chili that I make about once every two weeks? I think it’s pretty decent nutritionally, but I could be wrong.

So I can rigorously and accurately count calories, or I can make my food from scratch.

The last time I set about losing baby-weight, I accomplished it through rigorous calorie counting in both intake and output. I believe that I switched the way I ate from a mostly home cooked to more prepared. That’s harder now, because there are more people eating the food we cook. I don’t think I’m willing to do that again. (Also, the site I used for calorie counting is still stuck in Web 1.0 and has a painful interface. Oh, for an iPhone with a food and exercise log app!) It will be interesting to see whether I can pull this off: reduce calories and exercise regularly without constant data streams and numbers. So motivational do I find numbers, I’m actually not entirely sure I can.

What about you? Do you love data or find it irrelevant or constrictive? What pointless data sets do you obsessively maintain? What are other circumstances are there conflicts between an optimal outcome and a measurable outcome? Which one do you pick when they are in conflict: optimal or measurable?

My charity of choice

Sometimes, figuring out the right thing is as hard or harder than doing the right thing. Take, for example, charity. Let’s say that you have $100 that you’ve decided to give to charity. Now what? What are your priorities? Do you give to the charity that is always bugging you (and, not coincidentally, spends a greater portion of the funds given to them on bugging people)? Do you prefer a local charity? Are you more interested in making sure people have food, or making sure animals in a shelter are not euthanized? Where would helping ensure a poor kid has a present under their tree fall in that spectrum? And what about the fact that $200 in a developing world can mean a matter of life and death for a child, where $200 barely scratches the surface of getting a politician whose policies you believe in elected? And then once you’ve decided that you want to help tsunami survivors in Indonesia, you need to figure out which organization is most likely to offer the greatest benefit to the actual survivors. This can be akin to rocket science.

I’ve certainly wrestled with this question a lot. Our church is by far our largest donation, which is likely true for many worshipers, and will continue to be true. I also regularly send a check to WBUR. I figure they are worth as much or more to me as my subscription to the Economist, and in a very similar way, so I almost see that more as a cost obligation than a donation. After that, I usually support the Greater Boston Food Bank. When Bad Stuff happens, I usually direct donations to help to the Presbyterian Disaster Assistance because I saw their work in Mozambique and know that they go about really smart disaster relief. I always make sure I mark my check for general funds, because it’s much cheaper and better to prepare for disasters than react to them (like stockpiling supplies in areas that have historically gotten cut off by flooding, to name one example).

But lately, I’ve been trying to “optimize” my charitable giving even more, and that’s required me to think about what is really important to me.

I’m particularly interested in:
*Decent quality of life for all the world’s people. To me that means at a minimum: basic healthcare, adequate water, sufficient food, safe housing, basic education
*Sustainability/climate change/making sure we all don’t die and civilization doesn’t collapse
*Reducing suffering for all people
*I also have a real soft spot for parents not having their children die. Every time I realize that people in other places love their kids as much as I love mine — but watch them die for lack of resources — my heart breaks into little itty bitty pieces.

Looking at those priorities, the most obvious solution seemsto be ensuring that every woman has only as many children as she chooses to have. Furthermore, helping women feel confident in having fewer children by making sure that the children she does bear have a good chance at surviving.

In America, we take as given our right to only have as many kids as we want. Don’t want more kids? There’s a myriad of options from the pill, implants, condoms, surgery or abstinence. Many of these options are NOT available to women in other countries, including abstinence. In Africa, rape is an ENORMOUS problem. Women often do not have the right to not have sex with their husbands, and in many war torn countries rape is used as a weapon of war. For a woman without contraceptives in place, this often means pregnancies and children for whom they do not have food, resources or energy. Many women still die in childbirth, leaving all their children orphaned. For other women, their only chance of feeding themselves and their children is sex work, which can often lead to more children and AIDS. Finally, nearly TWO MILLION children a year die of diarrhea alone. So parents in some cultures may have many children in the hopes that some will survive to adulthood to take care of their parents.

Shortly after I gave birth to Thane in a safe, well-stocked, well-attended birth in a sterile hospital with a bevy of medical professionals looking on, I read an article about an organization that was working to help make births safer by very simple safe birthing kits. You know, really advanced stuff like clean plastic sheeting and sterile razor blades to cut the umbilical cord. This same organization was also taking incredibly practical, sensible steps like creating ways to reduce diarrhea deaths and supporting the manufacture and distribution of female condoms that actually work and are affordable.

I did more research on this organization, called Path and found out that it has Charity Navigator’s highest possible rating for how it uses donations.

That’s when I decided that Path was my charity of choice going forward. For my giving priorities and values, this organization does the best job of making a real difference in people’s lives per dollar I can give. So for Christmas, the gift I asked for was the gift of reducing the number of parents who have to bury their children, or children orphaned by preventable causes.

What are your giving priorities? How do you decide between local or international giving? How have you found the charities you most believe in? Does the complexity of the question ever stop you from giving as much as you otherwise might?

These women love their babies as much as I love mine

The state of the boys

At this point in my life, the bulk of the things I have to talk about come from the kids. This isn’t a desire on my part: I keep attempting to read books, think deep thoughts, and have exciting experiences. But no kidding: it took me 45 minutes of concerted effort to manage to read a four page spread in the Holiday Economist about the last of the WWI vets. I had to insert several chapters of Danny Dragonbreath and about 20 up and down off the couches and at least one bribe to get that far — and that was with TWO other adults in the house.

Anyway, with five straight days at home, most of which were dominated by falling snow, I had ample time to familiarize myself with the two small people who rule our house.

I look perfectly happy here! You must be exaggerating.

Thane is at a really unpleasant stage. He screams. All the time. And demands to be picked up. He weighs a ton. And wiggles. This morning, for example, I had a few small goals. Namely, to eat a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, pack my lunch and pour my coffee. None of these things is done easily while holding 30 pounds of squirm. So there he is, weeping bitterly and banging his little hands against my thighs while I attempt to read the Economist article on politeness and eat my Cheerios (he was ignoring my MIL who would be happy to snuggle him). I pick him up, soothe him, and give him his favoritest toy ever: the empty milk jug and lid. He is happy. Then – oh horrors! – I move! To pour my coffee! He trails after me, milk jug in hand, weeping bitterly. I pour my coffee, pick him up, snuggle him, and place him on the floor next to a large pile of fun, plastic devices. He is happy. Then – the humanity! – I move! He tumbles after me, falling down as my legs move instead of staying where they belong (which is to say: with baby arms wrapped around them).

I give up and carry him, attempting feats such as “putting a coat on” and “packing my thermos” which really, really are better done sans baby.

And sometimes nothing I do helps. The other day I was attempting to (get this) put my clothes away!!!. I had Thane in my bedroom. One-handed, I gathered together a variety of toys, including the beloved milk jug. I sat next to him on the floor, touching. Bitter weeping. I picked him up. Bitter weeping. Nothing I did eased the heartache. ALL DAY. For FIVE DAYS.

I don’t know what’s up. Or rather, I don’t know which of the things is up. I called this morning to make an appointment to start the process of obtaining ear tubes. I suspect we might actually GET the ear tubes some time around his 18th birthday. Anyway, I really don’t think he’s feeling well, and I think his ears hurt a lot. But Tylenol + the analgesic drops I begged off the covering pediatrician over Christmas don’t seem to make much difference (although now my lips go numb whenever I kiss his fuzzy little head). I think it’s also a Stage. He wants Mommy. He wants 100% of Mommy, all the time. Daddy and Meme will do if Mommy isn’t in the room. But he just wants to be held. I don’t know if there’s anything else too… separation anxiety or 14monthishness or something, but it was really no fun. I had like 3 nice hours total with him, when he wasn’t horribly upset and was awake and playing quietly. I’ve already taken him to the doctor several times for “irritability”. I’m not sure if this is ear infection, normal stage, or if there’s something else wrong. Also, the kid is eating his body weight daily, and seems happier after he’s eaten more than any of the grownups. This is going on a bit long to be a growth spurt.

In happier news, he’s made a lot of verbal progress. I’m not convinced he’s hearing properly (see also: chronic ear infection), but he’s started pointing enthusiastically at the books he’s being read. He said “blue”, “Thane”, “Amen” and “Cheese” this week. (The cheese is HILARIOUS. The kid won’t say nose, but Mr. Moon sure will say cheese!) It seems like he won’t attempt many words he’s uncertain about, but he’ll use a word once or twice and then refuse to repeat. But I’m pretty sure he is using it once or twice.

Also, no kidding, the rinsed out milk jug is the BEST TOY EVER.

So if Thane has been a source of angst for me, Grey has been absolutely the best kid ever in the whole universe. Although well anesthetized with various screens and treats, Grey has been a delight. He’s been listening, and complying politely with requests. He played for like two hours out in the snow. He’s been super snuggly, requesting hugs and bestowing kisses. (Although usually when he gives me kisses they’re accompanied with instructions that said kisses are to be saved for his cousins Baz and Kay.) He’ll cuddle up while reading, and when I seem tired, he comes up to give me a “massage”. When eating a meal he doesn’t hate, he’ll say something like “Thank you, daddy, for making us this nice meal. It is super tasty.” I kid you not. We’re working on Christmas thank you notes, with me taking dictation, and they’re awesome. “Dear Grandma Jones, Thank you for the blocks. I like them a lot. They are awesome. It was very kind of you to give us such fun blocks. Dear Grey.” (Ok, so he hasn’t quite gotten the “sincerely” bit yet.) He and I had a fantastic time doing his new science experiments. He even helps with his brother — making funny faces to make him stop weeping.

In general, I’m having an AWESOME time being Grey’s mom. I feel like I’m falling down on the job being Thane’s mom — I just haven’t figured out how to help him. I hope I figure it out.

Cabin Fever

In my youth, I was heavily influenced by the great, classical writers whose influence will be felt down through the generations. I mean, of course, Erma Bombeck and Patrick McManus. What? You’ve never heard of them? And you call yourself an English major! Erma I’ll leave for another time: suffice it to say everything I know about maternity underwear I learned from her. Patrick McManus is the pinnacle of humorous outdoorsy writers. He wrote about the world in which I lived my youth — a world I left in the dust when I drove across a blazing hot country from my home in the shaded Northwest to arrive at a prestigious and ritzy New England college, dripping in history and “Natty Lite”.

I remember reading “Never Sniff a Gift Fish” in the log cabin my grandparent’s inhabited on the Cedar River, at a Boy Scout camp they ran (Camp Fremont). There were dogs milling about and arcane tools stacked in tubs in the corners. It was chilly and I don’t recall fireworks, which points to a Christmas visit. One of the prizes I unearthed in a back room was a stack of McManus Masterpieces. The great ones were there: “Rubber Legs and White Tail Hairs”, “They Shoot Canoes, Don’t They?” and “The Grasshopper Trap”.

Anyway, one of his brilliant essays talked about Cabin Fever. Go ahead. Go read it. I’ll wait.

Read it? Good.

So Monopoly, fudge and the old “Great Northern Railroad” calendar.

That, folks, is where we’re at here. I’ve been home since Wednesday, when it seemed like a good idea to work from home. Ha! Since then, I think it’s snowed three times? Four times? Yesterday, a day I was willing to venture out, I had to take two passes at getting in to my driveway because I turned the wheel, but the car was disinclined to go that direction. Today it was much worse. For the second time in three weeks we had to cancel church. I was very much looking forward to church. You know, people who don’t beg to play their DS or scream at me because they’ve lost the lid to their very favorite toy: the empty milk jug?

I suspect my mother-in-law is planning a break for it. She keeps talking about “packing bags” and “plane leaves tomorrow at 11, but you could probably drop me off now if that’s more convenient”.

Grey is bored stiff. I don’t blame him. I’m bored stiff too — or possibly that’s a side effect of the shoveling. Did I mention that all of us except Grey is sick with a sniffly cold?

You know the only thing worse than being bored stiff? It’s being bored stiff and not permitted to sit down and read a good novel because someone wants up on the couch. And down off the couch. And up on the couch. And down off the couch. And up on the couch…. and wait! Where is the lid to the milk jug?!?!?

At least Grey is now at an age where he can play in the snow while his father and I shovel. He had fun this afternoon, getting buried in deep drifts, throwing snowballs at passing cars and pretending to be cold. I didn’t take any pictures because I was afraid that no one would recognize the white-haired gnome.

Tomorrow it should be all done. The winter storm will pass. We’ll all head back to work and daycare for the long slog of serious winter. Thane will probably have to go back to the doctor because he’s not better. All the balls that were put down on the ground for a week will be picked back up and tossed into the air. I’ll dye everyone’s hair back to the normal color, and life will go on.

Let’s just hope this is the last of the snow!

2009 in review

One of my friends posted this. I generally don’t do memes here (memes are internet quizzes that tend to get copied around between various people), but this one asks some good questions and I didn’t have some OTHER brilliant idea for what to write about today. So here you go!

2009 In Review

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Made apple butter and ate radishes. All the other examples are things that I probably don’t want to admit that I have ever done, mostly related to Thane’s health and comfort. We took the boys camping, which turned out to be a completely awesome thing to do. And for the first time, I had a relative live with me for an extended period (my brother). Dim sum.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I made a resolution to do my best to serve a vegetable with every single meal (well, lunch and dinner) even if no one else will eat them. I’ve actually been really successful with this, even though no one else eats them. At least it’s meant that *I* eat more veggies. I lack a good articulation of what I’d like to do next year.

3. Did anyone close to you have a child?
Both my neighbors had babies this year, and several of my internet friends. There were also some sweet little babies at church, with more on the way. Whee!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My father-in-law died about 10 months ago. The “firsts” without him have been hard. We miss him a lot.

5. Where did you travel?
This wasn’t a year for wild adventurous travel. We went to Atlanta in May, Washington State and Victoria BC in summer, and New Hampshire for camping. (Hey honey! I just remembered… you need to renew your passport. This reminder brought to you by the hours we spent sitting in the passport office in Seattle this summer….)

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A ____ where I am more ____ and ___ than I am at my current ____. Also, a big exciting international adventure. Also also, I’d really like to see my friends down in DC.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory?
Dude. I still can’t remember my eldest’s birthdate. I would say it was the night my father in law died, but I’d be lying because I only vaguely remember which month that was, although I remember with cristal clarity listening to my husband pick up the phone and hear that his father had died — a day before he was going to fly down to see him.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Most of the things I’m striving for are longer term than a year, and none of them really came to fruition this year. I’ve been working towards raising two wonderful young men (time horizon: 20 years), building a vibrant church that serves Christ and humanity with joy and enthusiasm (time horizon: forever), and creating a strong and joyful marriage (time horizon: my lifetime). Maybe I need a few shorter term goals, eh? Oh, I did learn Flex at work?!

9. What was your biggest failure?
I am not very fit or strong or in shape. It gets hard to do everything else if your body is not adequately attended to.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, I’m really pretty darn healthy.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I got this glass teapot with these jasmine tea flowers that unfurl. I’ve been looking for just the perfect tea setup, and I finally found it. I’m just happy every time we use it. Add to that “St. Petersburg” and you get some of my happiest quiet evenings, even though I always lose. Also, bras that fit.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Grey has been fantastic this year. He was really difficult a year ago during the summer, but he’s really hit his stride since. He’s polite, charming, interested and interesting, funny, affectionate and generally a joy to be around.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I’ve been really disappointed by the willingness of Americans of all stripes to accept their labels “Conservative” or “Liberal” and then make all subsequent decisions based on that identity. I’ve been disappointed with all our politicians from both sides of the aisles for playing politics instead of making the best possible governing decisions. I have not yet understood whether it is not possible to govern for the people the way our system is currently organized, or whether they choose not to do so. I do feel that the media, by handicapping the political horserace instead of discussing the substance of the issues being debated, has furthered this tendency.

Also, I really wish we were better people than to pay so much attention to the private lives of others whom we’ve never met. Frankly, it’s none of my business how Tiger Woods chooses to comport himself. And I still haven’t figured out WHY Paris Hilton is a celebrity.

14. Where did most of your money go?
I’ve been asking myself this question a LOT lately. It believe the top four largest are the mortgage, taxes, childcare and charitable donations.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Christmas comes to mind! Ooh ooh! I know! Hiking the West Side of the Wonderland Trail. I was vibrating for 24 hours at having gotten the perfect itinerary at the last minute. It was AWESOME.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
The Symphony of Science MP3s became favorites this year.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
I remain generally quite happy. I don’t really think I can be much happier on a regular basis than I am. I am, sadly, no thinner nor fatter. (This time last year I was 2 months postpartum, so one would HOPE I’d be thinner. One would be wrong.) I definitely think our expenses to income ratio is higher this year, due to the second childcare issue.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I would like to have read more books (well, of the non-Sandra-Boynton variety) and gotten more exercise.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Being anxious. Also, I should never call my parents before dinner on Friday night.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
I spent it with my boys. Thane the clingy with his ear infection, my husband with the Kindle he just got, Grey rotting his brains out with video games. I even got to play some video games myself!!! The joy of the boys was a great delight.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
I deepened my love for my laddies. I did fall in love with suated radishes and plum jam. I did many things that I love, but few of them were new.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
I don’t watch much TV. I did enjoy the Avatar dvds. I like most of the Discovery Channel programming. Baseball was really pretty “eh” this year.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
This is going to sound corny, but the extremists (esp. in Pakistan/Afghanistan) who blow people up in mosques, threaten voters, destroy girl’s schools and demolish their countries’ infrastructure seem beyond the pale. Usually there’s another side to every conflict, but these people seem to be working against everyone, including their own co-religionists, own ethnic group, and own people. I cannot fathom what they are working for, and cannot imagine how they think they are doing good and will end up in heaven when they walk into one of their own holy buildings and open fire on people worshiping there.

24. What was the best book you read?
The two books of the Sarantine Mosaic by Guy Gavriel Kay.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Maddy Prior and the Symphony of Science were my two favorite new music thingies.

26. What did you want and get?
A largely repainted interior of the house!

28. What did you want and not get?
A raise.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
This would be between “The Blind Side” and the new “Enterprise”. I suspect for staying power, it would be “Enterprise”. I’m angling to watch it again — maybe tonight!

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 31 this year. I believe my husband made me my favorite chocolate cake. Birthday season will likely always mean mine is a moderate celebration.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
My life is generally very satisfying! Is it shallow of me to wish that my online works had been more successful? I would’ve liked it if this blog had gotten a bit bigger audience, or had a post that went viral. I would like it if some of the online work I was doing for my church resulted in more people who are seeking meaning finding it with us.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Machine wash only.

33. What kept you sane?
I often remind myself that I have agency over my life. The patterns and outlines of my life are ones that I have laid and chosen — and I know I’m lucky that’s the case. Very few of the boundaries of my life are ones that I couldn’t change if I chose, but I am unwilling to accept the sacrifices that would require. That is a choice, even if it is one that might not seem like a choice because I’d never choose otherwise. But it’s always good to remember when I feel greatly bounded that we are usually only trapped by our minds and perceptions, and could generally untrap ourselves if we are willing to sacrifice what we have and take risks. I’m not sure that’s a clear articulation of what I mean (I do not feel trapped, and I do not wish to escape) but knowing that I am where I am because I choose to be is freeing.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I’m about 20 years behind the times developing a crush on Carl Sagan, but there you have it.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The divisiveness of the dialog and inability to find common ground.

36. Who did you miss?
I missed having a best girlfriend next door who loved babysitting and coming over late at night to chat. Pretty much every other slot in my emotional landscape is beautifully peopled.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I didn’t meet many new people this year. Maybe that’s something I should try to change for next year!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
You keep your balance better when your eyes are on the horizon, not on your feet.

Odometer moments

I’m a big fan of this time of year, media-wise. My non-internet media consumption is pretty much limited to NPR, the Economist, and Dirty Jobs marathons on Discovery (watched while folding the laundry). This time of year NPR starts running stories you KNOW they recorded in October about breeding stocks of White Rhinos and the Economist totally throws in the towel, writes four page spreads on the history of Rice in Japan or the Ponzi Scheme that is the US (all actual examples) and takes a week off.

We’re all given this odometer moment, as the number ticks over, to think back and head. Given that most folks consider this the end of the decade, it’s a bigger odometer moment than usual.

So here I am, taking stock of the year past and the decade past.

The decade past is pretty much my adult life. I think about where I was 10 years ago. I was about to get married, just finishing college, and completely unclear about what I wanted to do when I grew up. Now, I’m happily married, two kids, decent career, and completely unclear about what I want to do when I grow up. In the last ten years I got married, stayed married, have gone through three jobs, and three new homes, bought a house, bought two cars, got pregnant four times and gave birth twice. Since 2003, I’ve documented every detail in painful minutia.

In those 10 years I’ve made mistakes and grown oh-so-much, but I regret pretty much none of it. I’m not sure there’s a single thing I’d go back and make totally different.

Then there’s the looking ahead. Where will I be in 2020? I mean, we’re already impossibly into the future. Will I have my flying car yet? Or at least an electric/hybrid? But in many ways, the outlines of my hopes are much clearer than they were in 2010. I entirely anticipate still being gaga for my husband. My eldest son will be 14, and we will have some insight into what kind of man he is growing into. My Thane will be 11, still a child. My mortgage will still be several eternities away from being paid off, but my student loans will be done. Hopefully, I’ll have renovated the bathroom by then. Maybe I’ll have done that master suite that I daydream about. But where will I be professionally? What great surprises will life hold? What labors and joys will the coming decade bring? Will I still be documenting it all in painful detail (probably)?

And of course, there are the great left-turns life takes. You get a phone call asking if you’ve ever considered going to Mozambique. Or it turns out your child is an incredibly gifted, er, something (musician/athlete/web entreprenuer/face painter) that requires lots of practice (as long as it doesn’t involve ice rinks, I’m happy.). Or an opportunity comes that cannot be passed by. Or a tragedy visits. Or there’s an unanticipated additional child.

I work full time, am an engaged mom, get together with my friends as often as possible, and do a lot with my church. The result of this is that I feel as though I keep my eyes down, and focused on close objects. My thoughts and speech run with the details of daily living. I try as often as I can to raise my eyes and look to the horizons. It is that rising of perspective that make art, literature, music and philosophy so precious. Writing, for me, offers a chance to step back and examine my own life from the larger perspective. Whenever I do that, I feel much happier. The broad strokes of my life are so joyful, even when I might be tired, sleep-deprived, annoyed and snot-covered.

It was a good decade. It was a good year. Here’s hoping it was for you too. And for all of us, past reasonable expectation, may the coming year and decade be full of joy.

It’s official: chronic ear infection

My dominant impression of my youngest’s health is that he’s healthy as an ox. (Also, he weighs as much as an ox, but that’s a separate complaint.) I don’t think I’ve taken a sick day for him yet (knocks on wood). But each time I brought him in for his well-baby appointments after about 6 months, he’d fail the ear check (it seems). I’d go fill the prescription, dose him with Amox-Clav and not pay too much attention. He’d get really fussy. I’d bring him in. His ears would have fluid. We’d recheck. His ears would have fluid.

But this never has seemed to BOTHER him much. Even Thane fussy is a sweet, fun little kid.

But. But but.

The 102.8 on Christmas Eve was a scary high fever, especially since I wasn’t sure of the direction. He stayed hot all through Christmas, before slowly cooling off. And then the crying jags. For 20 minutes he’d scream and writhe and scream and scream and scream. It was horrible. I’d be about ready to scream too. And then he’d notice his favorite toy: a milk jug. Or he’d just suddenly settle. (Of course, many of the screaming jags were punctuated by a dose of Tylenol, which let’s just all admit here and now, Tylenol is a wonder drug.) And he’d pull his ear.

By Christmas, I was pretty sure what was up. Two days after finishing antibiotics for an ear infection which had already drawn the “if this doesn’t clear this up I’m calling it chronic” warning from our pediatrician? No other symptoms? Ear pulling? It didn’t take a genius to figure this one out.

I begged the on call pediatrician for anesthetic eardrops, and waited nearly an hour in Walgreens while they attempted to figure out how to get them to me. And this morning bright and early Thane and his father went to see his doctor to verify our suspicions.

Thane is now on his last-ditch antibiotics and we’re supposed to be lining up surgery for him for ear tubes. Surgery. As in “general anesthetic” and “fasting”. For my baby. Oof.

So, in my role as “mom” I’m spending today fretting. Examples of my frets include:

Is my son’s hearing and verbal development compromised by his constant ear infections? Is THIS why he refuses to say nose? (I doubt it. Did I mention he said “Duck” and “Quack quack” yesterday? And that when I asked him what a duck said, he said “Quack quack”? But only when I can hear him.)

Seriously, surgery?

Doesn’t this mean he’ll have to wear ear plugs whenever he goes swimming?

And general anesthetic?

What sort of problems will we encounter due to the sheer volume of Amox-Clav the child has consumed? (He loves it!)

Has my son been hurting for months and I’ve done too little to help, lulled by his general good nature?

And how cool is it that Mass Eye and Ear is a very short walk from my house?

Answer: Cool. But surgery is uncool.

Oh, my sweet Thane. I’m sorry you spent your second Christmas hurting. I’m sorry that you might have to have surgery. I’m sorry, kiddo. I hope that in future years you’re shocked to learn this was ever an issue.

Pictures for you

For your viewing pleasure, I’ve uploaded the latest pictures up through Christmas!

http://picasaweb.google.com/fairoriana/Christmas2009#

The Warmth of Winter

Christmas Eve was really lovely. I left work at about 1 (with blessings to go). I picked up my sons. Grey and I wrapped presents and made cookies. Thane bopped around as Thane is wont to do. My husband came home early.

But when Thane woke up from his nap, he was shivering. Cheerful. Eating and drinking. But shivering. Curious, I took his temperature. 102.8. WHOA. I proceeded to try to figure out what could possibly be up. Obviously, he couldn’t go to our Christmas Eve service like that. So reluctantly I left my husband behind and took Grey.

Now, when Grey is angry or upset he’ll say, “I don’t want ____” where ____ is his heart’s desire. So for example a regular day will have me saying, “Grey, you need to get into the car right now and stop goofing off.” If he actually HEARS me, which doesn’t happen until about the 80th time, he’ll sometimes get mad and say, “I can never never never play my DS again.” You can almost bet that he’s thinking about his favorite thing: his DS. Well, yesterday he made a small mistake (didn’t listen to an instruction) and when I called him on it, do you know what that child said on Christmas Eve? Not “I’m not going to get any presents!” which was what I expected. No, instead it was, “You’re not going to let me go to church tonight.” On Christmas Eve, the thing my four year old was most excited about was our church service.

It warms the cockles of my heart that my son wanted to go to church so much. And it was really a lovely service. The children *I* remember as the Angel Gabriel back when were home from college and looking terribly grownup and flatteringly happy to see me. The church looked lovely. My friends were there — young and old. And there was the pageant with the angels and the holy family and the gathered crowds. I played my trumpet for the hymns. Grey sang along, loudly and correctly. He sat beautifully for the entire service (abetted by the old school Pokemon cards he’d gotten as a gift). And then afterwards he and one of his cohorts in crime chased each other around the sanctuary while I chatted. He was in no hurry to get home and get with the loot parts of Christmas. It was just beautiful.

An angel's eye view of the manger in Bethleham

Eventually we did get home, and he carefully laid out four cookies for Santa and some milk. We played a game while waiting for him to fall asleep, thinking this would take a while. We were wrong. He was out like a light. And Santa came and gifts appeared and joy filled the house, except for the feverish baby (who is a very cheerful sick kid).

The boys are still young enough to sleep until their regular time on Christmas morning. But I heard excited exclamations as Grey discovered the scene below. He’s always so satisfied by the end of his stocking I wonder why I ever think I might not have enough for him to open. His interest in opening gifts lasted until the end of our gifts — he still has to open all his grandmother’s tomorrow, but since she flies in tomorrow morning, that seems appropriate.

I caught Grey helping Robby play with Robby's present

Then we all rotted our brains out on the various digital anesthesias. (Well, except for Mr. Slightly More Clingy Than Usual Thane) Grey got two DS games and two Wii games and the usual parental rules regarding them were suspended. He got an astronaut set (including two space monkies!), real Legos, blocks, a science experiment kit, books, and a glow-sword. And oh did he have fun with it all (right until the sugar-crash-fueled complete meltdown). Thane’s favorite toys were his new bunny Mr. Bun (Grey snitched his snuggly new moose) and the colander and spatula Santa brought for Grey’s stuffed bunny Robby. My husband got a Kindle, which is really, really awesome looking. I got a number of really nice things, including a fantastic apron (really!), a Wii fit from my brother, and a new recipe book. (Ok, maybe I’m easy to please.) But mostly, it was all filled with joy and togetherness.

Grey brought up the idea of sending a thank you note to Santa. I wonder how many kids who write Santa letters also write him thank you notes?

As for Thane, well, he was down to 101.2 tonight. Tylenol seems to help immensely. Was ever there such a bad 4 day patch to get sick? I’m pretty sure it’s a really nasty persistent ear infection. He just stopped a course of antibiotics like 3 days ago. I’m guessing it held off but didn’t cure an infection. I’m also guessing that since this is his fourth infection in as many months, tubes are in his future. This isn’t so bad, though. It doesn’t seem to bother him that much. It’s not infectious (so I don’t have it to “look forward to”). It’s not going to be dangerous even if we have to wait until Monday to treat it. I haven’t decided whether it is terrible timing (sick for Christmas!) or fantastic timing (we were going to be staying home anyway!).

The grownups have topped off our day further rotting our own cerebellums with more video games. My husband appears to be in a very tense ground battle with the Russians on one of the floating bridges in Seattle. I think that, after a nice 2 year hiatus, I might actually beat Fable. And my mother-in-law flies in tomorrow! Yay!

So how was your Christmas? What was most meaningful in it for you? And, the real question, what loot did you get?

Merry Christmas to all!

May Santa reward you all appropriately. May your Christmases be full of warmth and joy. May this be a time you look back on for years to come. May joy be yours, today, tomorrow and always.