My Truant Pen

Leadership Secrets of Deadliest Catch

I am one of millions of Americans who love the Discovery Channel show Deadliest Catch. For those of you who are not familiar with it, it’s a show about Bering Sea Crab fishermen. It follows five boats over two fishing seasons a year (King Crab and Opies). It is a show about a grueling, heart-breaking, back-breaking, fraught and dangerous life perched on the icy deck of a lonely boat on the southern edges of the arctic.

On my bad days, I watch it to remind myself of how good I have it. Most of the time, though, I watch it to keep me company while I do the laundry. I did about 5 hours of laundry in the last four days, and finished up through season 7. Now, I work in software. You can hardly get farther from the Bering Sea than my comfy cube in Boston’s “Innovation District”. But I still think there are some true leadership secrets buried in the ice up there.

1) Find your Freddie and keep him forever

Freddy — Freddie Maughtai of the FV Cornelia Marie (now on the Wizard)

Every group of people wishes they had a Freddie. He’s always early on deck. Once there, he moves with quickness, alacrity and skill. I’ve never seen him slip and fall, and I’ve never seen him dawdle. He knows his job, and he does it well. Just that much makes Freddie a good deck hand (and anyone who’s watched the show knows that being a good deck hand is really hard to do.) What makes Freddie a great deck hand is what he does for morale. He never complains, at all. He rarely makes a negative comment, even when it’s blowing ice and -10 degrees and he hasn’t slept in 23 hours. But best of all, he can and does turn the morale of an entire boat. Freddie never talks about *bad* luck, but after hauling a string of empty crab pots, he’ll pull out the ol’ clippers and give everyone a good-luck mohawk, or smear his face with cod blood (he’s Samoan) and convince the whole crew that the next string is going to be better. Most of the time it even works. Freddie not only is the best, he brings the best out in others.

Freddie was also a byword for loyalty… right up until he could no longer afford to stay on the Cornelia Marie. Even with his huge heart and deep love for the Harris family, he still needed to make a rational decision to earn more money on the Wizard. And of course, with his tremendous skills, practically every boat on the Bering Sea was open to him.

Leader Lesson: If you find a person who is not only great themselves, but makes the others around them work harder and better, consider them one of your greatest assets – and treat them like it. Make sure you never stomp on their optimism or cheer. Make sure you give them enough latitude to work their wonders. And make sure you never pit their loyalty to you against their good sense.

Worker Lesson: The difference between good and great isn’t how much you can accomplish. You can’t be great unless your team works better because of your participation in it. That means less whining, less following negative energy trends, and less doing-what-everyone else does. Instead, try to change the tenor of a negative team to be more positive (even if that means giving yourself a mohawk), and try to build on the energy of a positive team. Of course, none of that counts for squat if you can’t get the basics of your own job done.

2) Buy fireworks ahead of time

In the Season 7 finale, the boys on the Time Bandit are coming into Dutch Harbor flush with victory – their ship totally crammed with fine-looking crabs. After they got Captain Sig Hanson “good” earlier (in a prank that involved having imported Chinese lanterns and sending them out over sea and turning out their lights – scaring the pants off our favorite wily Norwegian), Sig ambushed the boys with fireworks. (I must say, it’s kind of fun to watch people do something downright dangerous and inadvisable and not be told even once not to try this at home.) The Time Bandit returned fire. After a bit, both ships turned their fireworks skyward for an amazing display of pyrotechnics outside of Dutch Harbor.

Now, you could say this was a waste of money. Fireworks are expensive. And if the ship wasn’t full, what was there to celebrate? And if the ship was full, then surely just giving the guys wads of cash was enough celebration, right? But no. The very best of the fishing vessels on the Bering PLAN TO CELEBRATE SUCCESS. They buy those fireworks and bring them to the edge of Alaska at no small expense. The chance to earn tens of thousands of dollars are the reason that those fishermen work through injury, pain, cold, danger and sea-cooking… but adding a joyful celebration of success makes it about more than just the money. It creates a sense of pride, of joy, of celebration and of cameraderie that sets a boat apart. It makes the crew not folks employed in the fishing industry, but fishermen.

Leader Lesson: If you want your crew to treat their job as more than a financial transaction for cash, then don’t just reward your crew with cash. Plan on celebrating their successes in ways that are exhilarating, communal and right as they cross a finish line. If you can work in a method of celebration that would not be possible anywhere else in the world, it’s a bonus.

Worker Lesson: Life is much more rewarding when you work for a company that sees the works you are all engaged in as more than a financial transaction. Of course it is that (See Freddie above), but you spend too much of your life there to put up with a workplace that only has a paycheck to offer.

3) Pick a good captain

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the captains in Deadliest Catch. I think half of America still misses Phil Harris – his earthly, twinkle-in-the-eye wisdom, kindness, temper and vices. Sig Hanson is a manipulative, masochistic jerk… who still keeps his crew safe and his tanks stacked. Keith of the Wizard is a good Captain with good intentions, a gigantic chip on his shoulder and a completely out-of-control temper who gets his crew a full year’s salary in two months work. The Hillstrand brothers share a wheelhouse (although only one of them is ever captain in a particular season). There are a bevy of others: Wild Bill, Elliot…

And I’ve thought a lot about who I would want to work for, in the completely impossible outcome that I was forced to fish the Bering Sea.

Again – there’s that difference between sheer moolah and what it means to work. Those top captains will bring home similar paydays, between $30 and $70k for a fishing season. But if you work for Sig, you can expect to “grind” (work exceptionally long hours), be belittled and mocked, and to fear the anger of the captain. Although he offers a great payday, I don’t think I could handle working for Sig. (In the unlikely event that, you know, I could hack the other parts of the fishing.) Keith would drive me crazy – he’s too mercurial.

If I had to pick a boat, I would definitely pick the Time Bandit. In addition to being excellent fishermen who consistently earn greaty paydays for their crew, the Hillstrand brothers are smart about risking their crew’s well-being. They have a gift for morale, too. In situations where the other captains would explode at their crews, with yelling and puffing and pulling rank… the Hillstrand brothers will pull a prank or a joke that works 1000 times better. There’s nothing like throwing a string of firecrackers on deck to wake up a lethargic crew! They also do a great of job of celebrating their ship and their crew. And having two of them means that they have a backup plan and make better decisions.

Leader Lesson: It’s not JUST about the outcomes you create, it’s also about the experience your team has in their work. Given the same money, most people would rather work for a reasonable boss who solves problems in ways other than yelling.

4) Bring passion

No one who has watched the show for more than an episode could doubt one thing: Jake Anderson has a fire in his belly to become a fisherman, and to some day captain his own boat. From the first episode, while he was still a greenhorn, he was angling to be driving the boat. He’s worked his rear end off every single episode to attempt to earn that right. His relations got him ON the boat, but he has no capital, no inheritance, no education…. nothing that would ever get him into that captain’s chair other than his own burning passion.

I believe that Jake will make it someday for one primary reason: he wants it so badly, and so clearly. He asks Sig practically every episode to push him further, to show him more, to teach him. He asked for the difficult task of steering a multi-million dollar boat into St. Paul Harbor, risking not just the ship but the lives of those on board if he messes up. How many of us would be brave enough to ask to do that? And Sig, after about 8 rethinks, lets him. And he does a fine job: showing himself as material for that chair eventually. Sig gets him up after only 2 hours sleep following a 30 hour shift. Instead of complaining bitterly (which is what I would do), Jake says happily, “It says a lot, that he thought of me.” If your bosses know how badly you want it, that helps. If you keep volunteering to do hard things in pursuit of a goal, that helps more. If you don’t complain about the hard work it takes to get your goal, that helps most.

Of course, it also helps that Jake knows so clearly what he wants.

Leader Lesson: If you have someone who brings this kind of passion to mastering their business, adopt them and make them like your own child. Give them hard tasks (but ones they can accomplish). And promote them for their excellence.

Worker Lesson: Figure out what it is you want. Let your bosses know what that thing is. Remind them regularly. Ask to do the things that role will require. Get any certifications you would require. And be persistent. When you do finally get the chance – even if it’s at 2 am after a 30 hour shift – feel proud. Don’t complain.

This is probably the one I have the most work to do on.

Edit: In case you’re waiting with bated breath, the 2013 Deadliest Catch season starts April 16th, 2013 – Tuesdays, 9 p.m. ET on the Discovery Channel. Put it on your calendar!

Twelve things I liked in 2012

Twelve has always been my favorite number. I like the multiples of 6. Six itself, 12 as the favorite, 24 quite a lot. (18, 30, 36… I could take or leave the rest of them.) So during the 12 days of Christmas in the 12th month of 2012… the number 12 seems auspicious! I’m feeling quite cheerful and well-rested, and so I thought I’d share 12 things I really enjoyed.

1) My Neighbors
I don’t talk about them very much here for many reasons, especially preserving their privacy. But I have the most amazing neighbor/friends you could imagine. We spend a lot of time together with our kids whirling around our feet like chaos dervishes – all together or in subsets. But they are OUR chaos dervishes and we love them. One of the things that makes people happiest is the sense of community and friendship, and I have it in spades. It’s one of the things that makes me feel very richest, to have such good and joyful friends! Just as a “for example”, we are traveling today as six inches of snow fell on our driveway and sidewalk. Our friends have already shoveled us out. I feel incredibly lucky to have them in my life.

The Neighborhood kids gather for trick or treating

2) A Bus Commute that Leaves Room for Reading
During the last year, I’ve probably read more novels than in the two or three years prior. I’ve had the leisure to read all sort of great books: the Parasol Protectorates, the Church of England Series, Caesar’s Conquest of Gaul… and tons of other books. I have enough reading time to risk reading new books that may or may not be great – and lots of them are fantastic! Some days you find yourself hoping for bad traffic so you can read just a bit more before taking off on the bracing near-mile through the financial district.

3) Starbuck’s Reusable Straws
When using a travel mug (which is most of the time), I drink my coffee through a straw. I always have. Most of my idiosyncrasies are coffee-related, I swear! I reuse Starbuck’s thin plastic straws over and over until they crack. But this year, Starbucks came out with reusable straws. I have them in tall and grande sizes, and in green, metal and holiday-themed. I bought extra in case this is the only time they ever appear. They make me happy.

4) Legos
I can’t think of an obsession I would be happier with than Legos. The kids are imaginative, social, creative, totally immersed and completely happy in the throes of their Lego Play. They play together. They play by themselves. They learn the critical skill of following directions. Then they break apart the dictated shapes and use their free-form imagination to create things based on their fertile imaginations. Then they tell amazing stories to themselves using the figures, buildings, vehicles they’ve created. Does it get better than this for a kid AND a parent? (Well, except for the cleaning up.)

5) New England Patriots
After a year where the Red Sox left me cold, I decided I was going to start liking the Patriots. I know you’re all like “You don’t just decide to like a sport!” to which I reply? Oh yeah? But I’ve caught most of the games this season (bumming about the fact I’ll miss tonight’s game!). And part of what made it was fun was catching those games on the couch with my neighbors. (See #1.)

Gronk’s failed spike was only second to Wilfork’s interception in my joy-ranking

6) Flour’s Sticky Buns
Flour Bakery in Boston is RIGHT across the street from my office. Usually I resist temptation. But on days when I’m having an unusually rough day, or good day, or stressful day, or, well, can find an excuse that holds water I’ll go across at 1:30 – 2 pm. That’s when the Sticky Buns are out of coming out of the oven. And I’ll get one and eat it warm with a tall glass of cold milk and bliss is mine. My colleagues have totally figured this out, and have begun bribing me with them. I’m ok with this.

7) First grade and having a first grader

I’m loving this age for Grey. (I think I’ve said that for almost every age he’s ever gone through.) But I loved the Christmas concert, and the (easy) homework. I love the self-sufficiency. I love that his best friend is a kid I had not introduced him to, but that he picked for himself. (It helps that I like the kid, to be sure.) I love how he can do real chores that actually diminish the work I have to do, and how he can read and entertain himself, and I love hearing the thoughts and questions he has. Having a kid in school really ties you in to the community in which you live.

Grey and our neighbor on their first day of first grade

8) My New Dishwasher
It actually cleans dishes, including the dishes on the top rack. Isn’t that a phenomenal attribute in a dishwasher? I replaced three appliances this year: dishwasher, washer, dryer. And I’m delighted at the difference the dishwasher makes, I think the washer does a better job and I’m rather disappointed in the dryer. But hey, 2 for 3 isn’t so bad!

9) Vacating with my Husband
It turns out I really like my husband, and I really like spending time with him. Our trip to Ashland this summer is a source of joyful remembrance, from watching the big dipper setting over the stage at the Elizabethan to seeing the osprey’s dive as as shot rapids down the Rogue River. Adam and I are so often partners in the enterprise of family that I treasure the time we spend together being the dewy-eyed newlyweds we have so much capacity to be.

10) Guitar
My intent this year was not to learn a new instrument. And if I had so picked, I likely would have selected cornetto or piano – instruments with which I have some experience. But I have had such a blast learning a completely new instrument with completely new skills. Practically none of my musical training has carried over, and I’ve gotten to start from scratch. It’s particularly lovely since none of my identity is tied up in being good at it. It is so LIBERATING to work on something when it’s ok with you that you’re terrible at it. I hadn’t realized. And better yet, I am bad enough to still hear my progress instead of my faults. I’m also starting to be able to really do things, which gives me a tremendous sense of satisfaction.

11) I really like my job
What a difference this makes, doesn’t it? I feel really well used in my current role. The people I work with value me as a person and as a contributor, and are not shy about telling me this. My job uses 100% of my brain and skills: interpersonal, technical, writing, organization, big-thinking. I have everything I need to be successful in my role: I only need to apply the skills I have and some concentration in order to do what I am asked to do. I get to do a wide variety of tasks, but I also don’t have sole responsibility. In everything, I have partners and colleagues with whom I work. My company is good about respecting the boundaries I set, but fun enough to tempt me across them every once in a while of my own volition. I get to travel just about once a quarter, which is enough to still be fun and make you feel like a Real Businessperson, but not enough to get tedious and tiring. Work sent me to London (for a week!), New York City, Atlanta, Detroit and San Francisco this year. I’m hopeful that the coming years may include opportunity to grow in my career, but so far I’m not complaining in the least about what I have going.

12) The Theater

One of the great gifts of my upbringing was a love and appreciation for live performances. Since getting out on my own (and on my own resources) I have not seen nearly as much live theater as I want to. This year made a significant dent in that lack, however. I saw:
– Henry V at the Globe Theater in London (talk about a Bucket list item! This is my favorite Shakespeare play. Also, they had cornettists for the pre-music. And I had front-row, third balcony seats!)
– A concert at the Barbican including Carmina Burana, which I’d never heard before
– Patrick Ball concert
– As You Like It – at Ashland
– Henry V – at Ashland, completely opposite interpretation
– Merry Wives of Windsor, Iowa – at Ashland
– All the Way – at Ashland, the kind of play that makes you feel as though you lived through an era you certainly did not
– A Christmas Celtic Sojourn – at the Cutler Majestic

I might be missing one or two, but that’s more like it! Perhaps this year will be the year I introduce Grey to the theater and formal behavior!

So that’s a portion of my litany of joys. What were some of your favorite things in 2012? If you came up with a top 12 list, what would it include?

Interregnum pictures

One of the joyful advantages of some time off is that I’ve had a chance to use my nice camera. In fact, I bought a digital photography book and have been reading it. Another nice thing is I actually have time to pull the pictures off in a timely manner. So here is three days worth of pictures (over 450 before I weeded them!).

Enjoy!

Christmas Letter 2012

I send out a number of Christmas cards every year. Many years I include a Christmas letter, so that I can focus on writing a personal note in the card instead of an update on what’s happening in our lives. As frequent blog-readers, all y’all (Hey, I’m in Georgia right now! It’s allowed!) know most of this stuff anyway, but here it is!*

Adam laughed for 10 minutes at the thought of including this annual Christmas photo in the card we gave to our garbageman.

Dearest Friends,

This year feels like it stretched out long and full – like a cat in a sunbeam. The year has been full of moments caught and enjoyed. After a two year tenure at a life sciences company, I switched to become a Solutions Architect at a software company that creates software. I took the job for more than just a great title, and have been incredibly busy and very satisfied. Adam is still with a healthcare non-profit and among other things has had fun working on mobile applications.

As our sons grow older, there’s also been a little more time for other things in our life. I had started Grey on guitar lessons, but he did not enjoy them. During one frustrating lesson, I took over for him. Now, nine months in, I’m getting pretty decent. I can read three kinds of notation and play several songs almost in tempo. It’s a completely different skill than trumpet, and downright exhilarating to learn! I also continue to blog at http://mytruantpen.com, and started a new blog at http://technicallypretty.com .

Adam and I spent our twelfth anniversary idylling in Ashland Oregon. We watched Henry V in the Elizabethan, followed the political trials of Lyndon B. Johnson, played “Lords of Scotland” while eating pizza next to Lithia Creek, and white water rafted the Rogue (which was awesome!). The boys didn’t miss us at all as they went to Camp Gramp with their cousins. The winter was mild and easy. Spring was short and sprightly. The summer was full of camping, canning and beaches. The fall was birthdays and apples and games and storms.

The only cloud on the year was the loss of our two kitty cats. Magic died in the spring of old age, leaving a legacy of love and cat hair. Justice – an indoor/outdoor cat with a strong penchant for adventure – died with his boots on during his adventures. I’m grateful that he was able to come home and rest in the back yard he once prowled. They are both missed by large and small in our home.

Grey began first grade this year. He continues as a strong reader with a particular preference for those odious books intended for pre-adolescent boys (think “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” and “Captain Underpants”). Happily, he also branches out into less nauseating literature, such as “Alice in Wonderland”. The great passions of his 7 year old life are Legos and drawing cartoons. The cartoons are quite good. He’ll come home with stacks of “collectible cards” he and his friends drew at after-school. He does an amazing job of following Lego building instructions, and his room is practically carpeted in Legos. He is still in aikido, and has earned his green belt.

Fortunately for filial peace, Thane is also completely Lego-obsessed right now. I swear he wills his four-year-old fingers to the fine movements required to work with “little Legos”. He spends an astonishing amount of time for a child his age creating objects. I even caught him successfully following the instructions to create a kit. He’s not reading yet, but still loves to be read to – especially books about his beloved Scooby Doo. He’s silly and sweet. He likes to pretend he’s a baby bird. He still considers Puppy (a bunny rabbit) his best friend. I’m savoring the last lingering babyness with all my might.

We have had a wonderful year, with bright horizons for the coming one. We hope you, and your family, are the same. Merry Christmas to you all!

Brenda, Adam, Grey & Thane

*Some information changed to preserve internet anonymity!

Merry Christmas from Legoland

Little Lego set before heading into Vampyre castle

The house is full of little boys yelling out “Wow! Cool!” and “Sticker help, mom!” Grey is on bag six of seven of the Lego Vampyre Castle, and Thane has completed “Spider-Man’s Doc Ock Ambush”, “Genosian Starfighter”, “Space Police” and is attempting to open “Droid Escape”. Suffice it to say, we’re having an amazingly awesome Christmas morning.

As I waited for the kids to fall asleep last night, I pulled some pictures off the camera. These include Grey’s Christmas concert and Christmas Eve at Grandma’s house with Cousin Alec!

Pictures here!

Puzzle Master

Thane and Adam puzzle by the light of the tree

I’m not a huge puzzle-doer. Years have elapsed without my doing a single puzzle. But this time of year, I get the urge to do puzzles. It comes back to family. You see, this is the time of year when I have multiple, unscheduled days with people to whom I am related. My sons are no longer in need of constant babysitting, nor have that toddler’s impulse to destroy all that is laid before them. (Although they are forces for chaos and entropy – you should see what happens to a formerly clean room SECONDS after they enter it.)

My family, during my teenage to young adult years, would often do a big puzzle when we all came home from our far-flung lives. There was the massive medieval sayings puzzle (still a favorite!), the three golden magi puzzle (so much of the same color!) and others lost to the mists of time. The glorious thing about a puzzle during the holidays is what it does for the family. Done right, the puzzle is in a place where people pass and invites them to linger. One person sits down to see if they can finish the horse’s head, another person joins them. They sit together, in companionable silence, or chatting. There’s no pressure to “make conversation”, but the conversation likely ebbs and flows. They are not trapped behind a screen or page – mentally isolated from the others around them. But neither are they thrust into the chaos of the activities that swirl around the holidays. And when the holiday is finished – if the puzzle is too – there is a shared sense of purpose, activity and accomplishment. And there are a wealth of small, shared minutes together.

I realized this, of course, when I had a baby and such an activity became impossible. Sitting quietly became an aspiration. Small pieces that could be lost? Inviting tragedy. I longed for the chatting and conversation and the careful piecing of puzzles.

My brother was born on December 20th. My grandmother came to stay that Christmas during my mother’s wait. Family legend is that when my mother went in to labor, she refused to go to the hospital until the puzzle was done so that my grandmother wouldn’t fret. As a consequence, the delivering doctor barely beat my brother to the hospital. (Hey mom – what puzzle was that? Did you save it?)

Impossible puzzle with bonus: a picture of me I like!

This Thanksgiving, I thought it was TIME. My four year old, who might be the Destroyer of Puzzles, is actually a great puzzle aficionado. (He calls himself the Puzzle Master.) Indeed – he’s a bigger contributor to even a 1000 piece puzzle than you might consider likely for a preschooler. At Thanksgiving I reviewed the scant grownup puzzle options in the cupboard. There was a 600 piece mosaic puzzle, a thousand piece snowman and a 400 piece satellite photo of our neighborhood. I’d been looking forward to doing the neighborhood one, and figured I could have some fun roping my neighbors into joining me, so pulled it out.

OMG. It was the hardest puzzle ever. The colors were practically identical. The pieces were barely differentiated in shape. It was the Bataan death march of puzzles. We had many “false positives” that were extensive to unwind, and nearly went blind peering over the puzzle. Adam and I stayed up WAY TOO LATE one night to finally finish it. Such a sense of accomplishment! We took pictures. Which was good – Grey accidentally destroyed it the next morning looking at it.

This Christmas, I planned ahead and bought a (hopefully much easier) thousand piece Christmas scene. We’ve set it up just off the living room next to the “gold tree” with floor pillows. The family wanders past and does a section, then wanders off to play. My sweet Thane – prince of puzzles and shapes – sits next to me and pieces together the scenes. He needs help organizing the pieces to get sections together, but his sense of shape, color and fit is astonishing. We sit next to the glimmering tree and sing Christmas songs together, chatting.

The cycle is renewed, the wheel turns, and the new generation takes up the strains of the old.

Alex, Adam and Thane consider the puzzle

New Years Resolutions

Grey shows off his Legos on a sad Friday night

First, a few words about the unfolding horror in Sandy Hook Elementary. Like so many, I know about and deeply disapprove of many of other horrors: the mass rape and killing in the Congo, the drone strikes in Pakistan and Afghanistan, the ongoing scourge of inner city violence. But those all seem distant and abstract: chronic, unsolvable problems. But Sandy Hook comes very close to home.

My son is a first grader, seven years old. He was sitting in his first grade class on Friday morning with his first grade teacher and his young classmates. The kids who died were exactly like him. The same age. The same safe, suburban setting. Loving parents. Capable teachers. No enemies. The only difference between Grey and, say, Benjamin, is that Grey is still here and looking forward to Christmas. (Grey knows about the shooting, of course. His response was, “But mom, they didn’t even get to open their Christmas presents!”) There was absolutely nothing those parents or teachers could have done to prevent this from happening to their children – and there is nothing I can do to ensure it never happens to mine.

I am so, so, so sorry for the families that lost their loved ones. I hope that we can have sensible discussions about what weaponry should be available to civilians. I hope that we can improve access to mental health care, and support families raising mentally ill children more effectively. I hope we change our news coverage to de-glorify the commiters of these atrocities. I hope that this helps us work towards the safety and innocence of all children everywhere, including in war-torn Congo, “collateral damage” in our war on terror, and in our neglected communities. I can see myself in the weeping of those parents in Connecticut. I need to see myself in Syria, too.

Finally, we all are reminded that life is fragile, precious and never to be taken for granted.

So I shake myself off and make dinner. And as I’m making dinner, I contemplate my Most Successful New Years Resolution Ever. Two or three years ago – I forget now – I resolved to serve a vegetable with every meal. I also resolved to not be too picky about what the vegetable was. One brilliant piece of parenting advice I got when I was younger was that if I want my kids to eat vegetables I should not skimp on the cheesy sauce, ranch dressing, salt and butter. Trade the nutrition (and habit) for the calories. I can gradually reduce the sauces as the kids get accustomed to the taste of the veggies, but they’ll keep the habit of the vegetables for the rest of their life. I think, within reason, this is true.

And more or less every meal I’ve cooked since that resolution took effect, I’ve had a vegetable on the table. Grey now professes to like broccoli, carrots, corn, tomatoes, asparagus and brussel sprouts. He’ll eat the first four even when not asked to. Thane has been a harder sell. The kids are REQUIRED to eat one polite bite of the evening’s vegetables, and he’s slowly being overcome by repetition. And importantly, I’m eating a lot more vegetables too. When it’s right there on the table, I’ll have a serving or three.

A key to continuing this resolution has been ease. I have seasonal methods of making sure it happens:

Summer
We are part of a farm share, and during the summer my ‘fridge is full to overloaded with turnips, carrots, greens, peas, beans, squash and purslane. You start planning your meals for maximum produce consumption as you stare at the veggie crisper that ate Stoneham. Sheer abundance has required us to try veggies we’d never tried before (we’ve come to adore radishes, and discovered that brussel sprouts are excellent). It’s also dramatically reduced the cost of attempting to feed your kids veggies. I mean, produce can be expensive. Would you really buy a five or seven dollar bag of produce that you don’t think your kids will eat, especially if it only looks so/so fresh? Maybe not. But when that obscure produce is in your fridge and is going to go to waste unless you do something, you’ll prepare it and not care so much if your kids only have a bite or two – or even if none of you like it.

Blurry carrot eating kids. Grey picked out the veggie for this meal.

Winter

By the time the farm share season is over, I am _done_ being innovative. I do not want to try to think of recipes that require kale. I want something super easy. It turns out that – for once – marketers have heard my plea! There are massive selections of steam-in-bag veggies available in the supermarket. Many of these veggies are nutritionally excellent: frozen veggies and canned ones can actually be better than fresh ones in the Supermarket, because they can be less durable varieties and are packaged closer to prime. And you cannot beat the ease of use on these: buy, put in freezer, remove from freezer, nuke for 5 minutes, serve. You can get unseasoned and seasoned ones. And each bag of vegetables costs somewhere between one and two dollars: a pretty cheap slug of produce compared to fresh prices. Convenient, tasty and cheap TOTALLY works for me, and has made it pretty easy for me to keep up with my old resolutions.

So, how about you? How do you get your veggies? What prevents you from getting veggies? What’s your most successful New Year’s resolution ever?

Sons and brothers

At some point, as a parent, you come to realize in a non-abstract manner that your multiple children are, in fact, siblings to each other. This seems obvious. If you and your partner have two sons, then those sons are brothers. This is how it works, right? But there comes a moment when you watch the children you bore and love interacting with each other, and you realize… they are BROTHERS. What a fraught, laden word that is. How powerful. How overlaid with history, legend, tradition, meaning and poetry.

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:

Shakespeare – Henry V

My sons are both old enough now, at 7 and 4, to be real people, and to have real personalities and real relationships. Perhaps the most remarkable of those relationships is the one they have with each other. Thane, at four, is still little enough to sort of take things as they come. Grey is a fixture in his life: the unfairly-good trader of Legos, the master of comic-drawings, the owner of the right-hand-seat in the car, the bossy one. Grey is the person who is always in his day and in his life, and without whom life would not be complete. Thane has never gone so much as a day without his brother. But you don’t think too much about that, if you are four. Grey is a fixture, an assumption in Thane’s life.

Boys with ponies. Both of them had very sticky-upy hair the next day.

Grey, on the other hand, sees his brother clearly, and understands what it is to be a brother. The other day Grey was over the heat-vent in the kitchen working on his homework, I was at the dining room table and Thane was in the living room playing with Legos. Grey, oh so old, raised his head from his 1st grade papers and said to me, “I love listening to Thane play. He’s so cute. He has a great imagination.”

Grey gives thane a “Good boy noogie” for eating a bite of his sandwich. This actually motivated Thane to keep eating.

Grey has, this year, discovered the truth about Santa Claus. I watched him as he listened to his brother talking about Santa, and what he hoped Santa would do this year. And I saw, writ plain on my son’s face, his sudden determination that nothing should take the mythos of Santa away from his brother. That night, he prayed that Santa would bring Thane all the things he wanted. Since then, he’s been an (over) zealous guardian – shooting me dagger-like glances and not-so-whispered rebukes for any remark that might lead to the unveiling of the mystery.

Thane and Grey wish you a very Merry Christmas!

My eldest son loves and needs his younger brother greatly. Grey hates, HATES to be alone. Despises it. It was always the worst punishment I could unleash upon him – to send him from the crowd into a quiet room by himself. Thane provides his brother a tremendous service by being another person. Grey is wily about talking his brother into coming upstairs with him when he needs to go up. Grey wakes Thane up in the morning to come down to breakfast with him. Thane prevents Grey from experiencing the horrors of solitude.

For a few months now, Grey’s been waking up in the middle of the night, scared. For months, I’ve woken up with him sleeping at the side of our bed – having snuck in at some point over the night. But the other day I went to kiss Grey good night and found his door wide open and his music blasting. He was entirely missing from his bed. He wasn’t in my room. I couldn’t find him. I went in to see where he was, and found him cuddled next to Thane. (Grey has the side next to the wall and away from the door. He assured me later that it wasn’t so that monsters would eat Thane first. Really mom!) And for the last few weeks, this has been how they have been. Grey goes to sleep much easier when he’s not by himself, with his imagination in his room. There’s no nightlight. There’s no finding him falling asleep on his Calvin and Hobbes. And the boys look so happy together.

Remind me why these kids have two bedrooms and two beds?

God willing, these two boys will have each other for the rest of their lives. In the order of the world, they will fight, slip information to each other, back each other up, stand up for each other at weddings, godparent each other’s children, complain about us at Thanksgivings, and finally stand next to each other – again – at our funerals, recounting their funny memories of their crazy parents. I hope they always have this friendship.

Welcome Yule!

Christmas arrived abruptly on my street today. It felt like a scene in a Suess/Rockwell/Orwell tale where walking down the street shows happy families trimming trees in window after window. Wreaths appeared on one or two doors. They will appear on many more as soon as the enterprising young Boy Scout who sold to at LEAST four of us on one Sunday afternoon returns with his wares. (Rockwell, I’m telling you.) We’re all just trying to get it done before the Stoneham town Tree Lighting and Trolly Ride to the Zoo Lights. (Seriously, I can’t make this stuff up folks. The Town Council is contemplating a skating rink on the town commons, as soon as they can figure out who will pay for maintenance.)

Anyway, as my Thanksgiving redux involves massive insights like “turkey is tasty” and “pie is good”, and Grey had a medical procedure which is fine and everything’s good. But let’s just say that I really love Dr. Yu – a urologist at Children’s Hospital Boston. Great guy. Top notch doctor. Enough said for the internet.

This year's tree. Thane really wanted colored lights. — This year’s tree. Thane really wanted colored lights.

I figured that for your entertainment, I might talk about a few of the ornaments that adorn our Christmas tree. Our ornament collection started at college graduation, when my parents and his packed up our childhood ornaments for us. In my family, in our senior years we were given leave and budget to recreate the family Christmas tree. I recall I bought some ornaments… but mostly I liked the tree the way it was. After marriage, Adam and I bought a bunch of glass bulbs at the now defunct Ames (many of which bulbs still survive), and had a few nice ones given to us as wedding presents. We’ve continue to add to the collection (in part by stealing them from my mother-in-law). I also like to try to pick up one a year. And of course, we are now adding clay and pipe-cleaner ornaments crafted by my sons.

This is a silver ornament my father’s parents gave me at my birth. (Or, well, one presumes sometime well after my birth, since my birth was in September on another continent. I do not remember the actual giving well.) Each of us had a silver ornament: my sister a reindeer mobile, my brother a teddy bear I think, and myself this snowman. For a significant portion of my life, I believed this ornament – crafted of the precious metal as it was – my single most valuable possession. I was obsessed with the “kid living on their own” concept (a la “Box Car Children” or “My Side of the Mountain”) and this astonishingly valuable piece of silver was often my mental ace-in-the-hole to be pawned off for real estate, or a bucket and seed corn, or moccasins… you know. What the moment needed. I used to really like polishing it. When I got older, I used my trumpet polishing cloth. I think I did that as recently as last year. My grandparents are gone now, but their birth-gift still hangs on my tree in a place of pride (even if I don’t stake my retirement on it).

At some point in his youth, Adam met with a man who had done the origami Christmas tree for the White House. This star was part of that tree, and at the time my husband learned it, few people knew the secret of this fold. Adam has been patient with me since then. I love holographic paper, and the growing collection of origami holographic stars on my tree does nothing but please me. About once a year I’ll find a scrap of particularly pleasing paper, and beg him to make me a star. He usually obliges. Both sides are lovely. Some of these stars are now ten years or more old.

I am not sure if other people use their trees this way, but we store some of our most important – and most painful – memories on our Christmas tree. This ornament is the most important one on the tree. The inscription reads, “Keitha – 1973”. Keitha was Adam’s older sister, born terribly premature, who lived only a few hours. This little angel, holding its little bell, reminds Adam and I (and now our sons), that she was here. That she lived. That she was loved. And that she is missed. I’m not sure if, without this annual reminder, my sons would know they had a little aunt.

I also have an ornament – not quite as perfect – that I first hung on the tree the year I miscarried two.

I wasn’t the only one with special ornaments. This is a baby-ornament of Adam’s. My sister was also a bicentennial baby, and I remember being jealous because it seemed like a big deal to be a bicentennial baby! Adam’s ornament reminds us all of how special he was. How far away it seems now!

I have actually looked for special ornaments for my nieces and nephews when they were born. You know, silver preferably. Enduring design. Engraveable. Seriously – this has been impossible to find. The best I could do was pewter. (I didn’t WANT pewter. I wanted SILVER.) My sons have Swarovski crystal snowflakes from their grandparents, which are lovely. Actually, Grey’s snowflake might be my single favorite ornament on the tree for how it catches the light, but it doesn’t photograph well. I consider it a loss. Look people! I want to buy something expensive? Does no one wish to take my money? Guess not.

So, what are your favorite ornaments? Which are most deeply sentimental to you? Do you have styles of ornaments you particularly like or dislike? (Blown glass? Dinner-plate-sized?) Do you keep your deepest memories shinily on display on your Christmas tree?

Fotographic Fall Fun

So I’ve been terribly remiss getting my pictures up and on the computer. With very little preamble, let me present to you:

– Pictures from Justice’s funeral
– Many neighborhood babies
– Apple-picking/rough-housing
– Mr. Toothless
– Adam’s birthday game night
– Thane’s fourth birthday
– Halloween
– Leaf raking
– Mocksgiving
and finally
– A trip to Plimouth Plantation (taken today, in unseasonably delightful weather)

Here are the pictures!