Knocked Up Filter

I’ve added those of you who know my great secret to my “knocked-up” filter, so I can get more sympathy.

And today, I really need it. This has been my worst day yet. The key to its suckage is that right after I ate breakfast (Frosted Flakes — I may never be able to eat them again…), I threw breakfast right back up. Which is weird — usually I only throw up when I haven’t eaten anything and I’m hungry. More dry heaves, if you’re keeping score at home. But we had to get to work, and my stomach was still all woogly. So I left home with nothing in my belly.

The weird thing about morning sickness is that the hungrier you are, the less eating seems like a good idea. The key to not feeling ill is to eat often. So coming in to work, with an empty stomach, I felt AWFUL. I bought a bagel at Dunkin’ Donuts, because I knew that I had to had to had to eat something for breakfast. I stared at the bag with baleful eye for a good half hour, pondering the folly of even attempting to eat it. Summoning my will, I slathered on cream cheese. I took a bite. I nearly lost it again. I set the bagel aside.

Five minutes passed. I took another bite. Still not feeling happy.

Now I’m nearly all the way through the bagel (you never realize how difficult it is to eat a bagel until it’s, well, difficult), and feeling only partly dead. At 9:30 I didn’t see myself making it through today. I still can’t see myself doing any *work*, but it’s possible I will not die in the next few hours. That’s reassuring.

In other pregnancy news, my pants are fitting again. You see, about two weeks ago, all my pants seemed too tight at the waistline. It seems a little early for me to be showing, but apparently there’s something called “thickening” where your mid-section adds padding. Apparently my current adversarial relationship to food (see above) has counteracted that.

Optimism

I always start getting hopeful this time of year. I blame it on the early springs of the balmy Northwest (my dad called to tell me he had just seen a tree in bloom), and on my innate optimism. Sometimes, this time of year, there are balmy days, where you can walk outside without a coat and not turn into a personcicle. Assuming you had less of it than 3 feet, the snow melts, and you can see ground. The days are noticeably longer. They start pulling out Puxstawny Phil, and DC boasts of it’s cherry blossoms. I notice the buds on the trees. Are they larger than yesterday? Redder? When they stand out against a blue sky, you can’t help but hope. They shed their snow and show their colors, and you thing surely, surely spring is coming soon.

About this time last year, I even planted seeds in my garden, in a particularly warm and optimistic patch.

Those of you from New England are laughing. I can hear it.

THIS is the bitter time of winter. In January, you know. You know that the weather is a fluke, and that spring is not here. You know that you need to buckle down to bear the winter as it is. But now, my internal clock tells me we must be nearly done. That daffodils and crocuses await. That the trillians are poking up in their dark lairs.

And my internal clock is dead wrong.

My friends, there are at least two more months of this. The snow will linger, melt, and fall again. The winds will shake the house with their bitterness. The red sugary promise of the tree buds will remain promise for a good time yet. Every week, I will think it is nearly spring. And every week it will not be.

Until that one week, when finally, it is.

Test Results

(Originally marked private. I’d totally forgotten about this!)

So my blood sugar came back low. Very low. Low enough that they scheduled me a standing appointment at a nearby hospital to get it retaken and make sure it’s not some glitch. Abnormally low, she said.

Personally, I buy her hypothesis that the sugar just degraded in the test tube. I think I’d know if I had dangerously low blood sugar levels. And for heaven’s sake, I had Frosted Flakes for breakfast not three hours before the blood draw. And the nurse who took it was a lousy phlebotomist. I could’ve done better.

But still, it sounds like I’ll need to scrap plans to go to Ash Wednesday service in favor of going to the hospital. Or maybe I can do both, but only if I make a tremendous sacrifice and leave work after 8 hours…

Seven weeks and change

(Originally marked private)

So we had the first doctor’s appointment today. It was pretty standard. Various bodily fluids, advice not to drink, smoke, do drugs or get X-rays. The dr. seems mellow, although he was somewhat annoyed at my pessimism. I felt rather justified in being pessimistic, with my family history of miscarriage. (Editor’s note: an rightly so!)

But he ordered an ultrasound, and so we went, and I was covered goop. And lo! There was a heartbeat! A little fluttery butterfly of a heartbeat! On the little lima bean of a baby! I have pictures, but they’re stills, obviously. So you can’t see the heart beat, and that’s the amazing part of it.

I am seven weeks and change, according to both the drs. and the ultrasound tech. Unfortunately, this puts the baby’s due date on an easy-to-remember September 23. That’s right, my birthday. I hope they miss by a little. I think a kid deserves a birthday of it’s own. Um, and I don’t wanna share.

It wasn’t stated explicitly, but looking at the pictures, there’s only one little bugger in there. Good to know.

Three weeks, and then I go back. But astonishingly, only 4 or so weeks after conception, I have a picture of our child.

Ash Wednesday

Ash Wednesday is the day after tomorrow. I like Lent — I like the undistracted reflectiveness. Even the name of Lent to me, with my limited latin coming from a music background — sounds like lente… slow. Slow is appealing to me as I am now. The Adagio of Days is coming.

Of course, we won’t talk about how long it takes me to remember that Ash Wednesday is always preceded by Marti Gras. D’oh!

La-zy

I’m going through an extremely lazy and self-indulgent period right now. Work is boring, so I have put in two consecutive 8 hour days. Anyone who knows how much I usually work understands that’s weird. Last night I went home, did not do the dishes, did not take out the trash, did not clean up the office, did not do the bills. I read a novel. I did the same thing on Sunday. I don’t feel like cooking. I don’t feel like cleaning.

La-zy.

Fortunately, I’m pretty sure it’s a phase — a recharging period in my rare downtime. The only problem is that my husband ends up picking up the slack for what I don’t do. So maybe I need to do a little more so he doesn’t have to do any extra. But still, I don’t feel like it.

(Note: I knew darn well why I was tired.)

It’s starting

(Note: This post was originally private and not visible.)

So the symptoms are starting to make their real appearances.

My breasts have gone from PMS sore to gaping infected wounds in the front that hurt when I brush my teeth. And I need to buy a new bra.

I had my first throwing-up-because-of-morning-sickness episode coming back from the retreat. I’ve figured out that if there are no other triggers, morning sickness will not make me throw up. If I have coffee on an empty stomach and then ride in the back of a van through rural Maine, well…

My husband and I have agreed that two cups of coffee (one of my Starbucks mugs) is a reasonable amount.

I also get sick if I get hungry, so I need many small but relatively healthy snacks to surround me. I should work on making sure I have something like that at all times.

It seems a little too early for this, and I’m not pigging out, but my pants are already too tight.

Alpha is six weeks today.

Ghost Towns

There’s been a promo for a radio documentary lately on WBUR. With the sort of mystical music they often play for backgrounds, it starts, “There used to be four more towns in Massachusetts than there are today…” and goes on to explain how four towns were drowned to create the Quabbin Resevoir.

My studied reply is: big deal.

OK, that’s not quite true. See, where I grew up, we were surrounded by ghost towns and towns drowned to make way for hyroelectric lakes created from glacial melt. On my way to Youth Symphoney/piano lessons/trumpet lessons/Seattle/the nearest grocery store, we would drive past Alder lake — one of the created lakes. In the fall, when they let the water levels get really, really low, you could look out into the middle of the lake and see where a tiny village had once stood. There were still telephone poles and train tracks. They basically cut down all the trees, moved the people and houses out, build a dam, and that was it. It could be eerie — even years and years later, you can still see all the stumps in their perfection. They assumed they’d rot pretty quickly but it turns out an excellent way to prevent the decomposition of fir stumps is to make it so they spend 50% of their time in water and 50% of the time out. By the time the water decomposers get started, they get killed by the dry. And vice versa.

I don’t know the name of that ghost town. Rather, I know it, but it’s forgotten. But there are other, even closer ghost towns to us. There is a transience to human habitation in the Northwest that doesn’t exist out here in New England, where everything has a storied past. Towns were built on railways, thrived as they logged the nearby timber, and left when all that was left was a yawning wasteland of stumps. My own town, the one I grew up in, was both on a lake and on the rail line. There was a time when it was a thriving place, with over 2000 residents. It’s not a sleepy quasi-retirement, quasi-logging community of 400. At the end of the road, known as Flynn Road to the local residents, no matter that on county maps it’s the blander “Mineral Creek Road”, there is the lost town of Flynn. One house sits there. There was a tragic death there once. A pastor committed suicide. Scandal.

Out deep into the woods, if you head towards Llad Pass, you will journey near what was once the town of Llad. If you didn’t know from stories, you would never know. The forests of the Northwest were populated and worked by whole immigrant communties — from the dying coal mines of West Virginia, to the stalwart miners of Wales. This town was Welsh. There was born there one Blodwyn Truitt, who had improbably red hair until the day she died. There is no more Welsh name than Blodwyn. (It pleases me that her grandchildren carry the Welsh tradition — Owen and Rhiannon? I can’t remember the girl’s name.) We once took Blodwyn’s directions to see the town. There were a few artifacts, but even those are probably not visible now.

If you spend enough time in the Northwest, you understand the frailty of the changes we make to the Earth. On Mt. Rainier there is a road called the West Side road. It was built during the depression, and goes from the Longmire entrance nearly to Mowich (it stops maybe 10 miles short?) The West Side road is subject to violent mud-bursts called Yokiloips (no way do I remember how to spell that), and after it was wiped out at Fish Creek a few times, they stopped rebuilding it. I remember driving up it with my parents after the last repair made. We were some of the last.

My mom and I hiked the West Side 4 times before we finally made it. We had to bug out three, and all three of those times, we ended up walking the long abandoned roads back to the West Side entrance. By long abandoned, I mean maybe 40 or 50 years. It was as though man had never build there. There were narrow paths in the underbrush, unusually flat. A strange flat area surrounded you. It took a long time and a little digging to unearth that underneath the moss and plants was the crumbling remnant of concrete road. In another 20 year, I bet it will be hard to see even that.

How frail humanity! If we were to disappear off the face of the earth, in the verdant Northwest our mark would be nearly gone in 100 years. Perhaps future archeologists would find traces of us, or maybe even those would be erased by the awesome power of living things. Perhaps a great civilization was built in the towering and rich mountains I so love, to disappear without a trace as we may someday.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Unless you happen to live half in the water, and half out.